Dear Critic,

We are just merely having some bad moments!

Even just asking this question sheds light on the way in which we expect unreasonable things from ourselves.  Lately I’ve been coming across articles on our “Critic”, the part of our self in evolution created for “self check”. It is there for the purpose of alerting us to behaviors that might need adjusting.  But more times that not it serves as a berating and spiteful part of our self talk that causes shame, disparity, punishing self behaviors and low self esteem.

I experienced this very thing myself today with heightened awareness and extreme discomfort.  The last couple days I had been dealing with a lot of “moving away from” transitions, which has never been a strength of mine and giving voice to the Critic on that has not been a picnic! But I was processing.   Then unrelated this morning I needed to interact with someone from my past and right out of the gate an all too familiar dialogue was coming at me. It immediately reminded me of the deep vulnerability, anger and sadness I lived in previously and prolonged a long time ago. It switched me back into “sparing survival mode” to protect myself from the hissing sound of the gaslight and the need to protect myself and show my teeth. I was surprisingly immediately destabilized.  

I thought I had shaken it off to start my day and get to working because after all the Critic told me it was ridiculous to still have that be a button that gets pushed, and haven’t I learned anything? With that might have even come a side bar from the Critic of, “Why do you have to struggle so much when others have it so easy? Don’t you see how everyone is living a better life? Just look at Instagram!”

Because my Critic was egging me on to push through like the champ that may or may not have won the sparing match,  I went to deal with all at my desk. In my state of rattle I made a terrible error on an email.  I included someone by hitting “reply all” that was not to be included, and detrimental if so.  Normally I am right on top of handling all in the proper way.    Well..  as if I wasn’t feeling bad enough…  The Critic entered its hay day!  “You STUPID unglued, sad sack of crap, how could you walk through life like this. You F**cked everything up.. it will never be the same.. period! Don’t you know what everyone thinks of you now? You are a life long F**k up.”  Whoa!!  Loud and clear!     I decided to first apologize to those involved – then let everyone know that I needed to sign off for a bit, that I had been emotionally triggered just before and regretted not taking the time I needed before jumping into another task. 

I went outside – put my bare feet in the grass, tried to breath and the dialogue continued with my Critic, “Darc.. come on… this one you have to give to me – you royally messed up.  This is all mine now!”       That’s when I posed the question, “Is it okay to give into the bad day so far and somehow find comfort?!”   “Doesn’t this happen to others?”  Why is it not okay with our Critic or perhaps our society to have messed up, have a bad day, be emotionally destabilized as we work through the possible whys or to just acknowledge and accept that feeling sad and mad is happening and ok.  Had I felt that acceptance and compassion, I would have recognized that I needed to straighten myself out before taking on the next task.

We hopefully try to teach our children to identify what they are feeling and to be okay with it in the moment, but to then be aware of our actions in response to those feelings.  This is how we teach and build emotional intelligence, self-compassion, empathy and growth.  But is it possible that we struggle with this life long because our in place Critic won’t allow it!?     It has been scientifically proven that negative thoughts and emotions are “larger” and have more power in the brain than do positive thoughts or emotions.  That’s why it’s easier to be swept away in a downward spiral than an upward spiral.   

In Positive Psychology we talk about balancing out the brain with a ratio of 3 positive thoughts/emotions to 1 negative, and that is part of how we find well being.  5 positive to 1 negative if in a relationship!  That’s how hard we have to work at balancing the huge presents of the Critic and its gang of thugs.

This was a huge lesson today in handling self-awareness. The need to put duct tape over the mouth of the Critic while figuring out self generated sources of comfort around feeling bad.  Not judging oneself by way of the Critic for feeling destabilized as the Critic rambles on that these feelings aren’t important because I’m not important, just as I was told earlier.        What happens when no one is watching out for us?  It comes time to knock out the Critic in the ring and pile it up with the rest of haters!

If one could see me right now as I write this article, they would see me sitting at my desk wearing a pink hoodie, (with the hood up), black fingerless gloves to accessorize my cold house and a small blue plastic bowl three inches from my fingers filled with Honey Nut Cheerios. Who knew one could live on Cheerios, canned salmon, the local grocery store salad bar, and gluten-free apple cinnamon muffins! I certainly had no idea. For decades, life consisted of food planning, shopping, cooking and cleaning. Accounting for 3 meals a day for all living under my roof, and the given concern regarding in-between-meal snacks that made sure to surprise, delight and nourish.

My first trip to the market after my son moved out was like a punch to the mind, body and spirit. Who am I? How is it that I ended up responsible for no one but myself? What am I doing in the egg isle? Do I need eggs?

When people talked about “Empty Nest Syndrome”, I used to think to myself that it sounded like a strong name for something that gave you the freedom to have sex anywhere in your house at any time and then afterwards allowed you to plan multiple cruises. No one told me about the existential crises in the market that would continue on, or how critical of myself I would feel being someone who held a degree in Positive Psychology, yet I was an intense sad empty sack of identity disconnect.

Understanding what it was about gave little consolation to the feelings involved. The small things that took hold in a big way were what surprised me the most. I kept thinking that it felt like a break-up. Someone you love and lived with for many years, someone you did most everything with (especially in my case as a solo parent), and then… they leave. Where does all that focused love go? What about the energetic connection in taking that person into consideration with all your decisions? Not to mention missing the sheer delight of seeing their face every day.

Such sadness about this change took hold on a perhaps deeper level than the average case. I knew I needed to figure out some antidotes to start moving forward. I knew that eventually we adapt to our circumstances, but I didn’t feel like I was doing that. I felt a downward spiral instead that needed a look-see beyond this change in circumstances.

I made a list of all the friends I wanted to see but hadn’t in a long time. I reached out to most of them and have made sure to see them, or with some we are at least circling around the notion of a plan. I realized that added to the recipe was a very important ingredient; doing things I’ve never done before! Any experience I have now had that was new no matter how seemingly insignificant, started to rewire my brain for moving forward.

Recalling a study in my schooling where happiness level tests were done with people that had great loss in their lives, I mean we are talking about losing limbs, and after a year of processing the new circumstances most of them returned to their same basic level of happiness they had before their tragedies, even though they might be handicapped or in a wheelchair presently. I couldn’t stop thinking about this study – and how my situation is so minor in comparison, and yet I was not bouncing back… Then I realized, I needed to bounce forward… not back. There was nothing there for me behind me.

We all have uniqueness in our strengths, in our weaknesses, in our depth of feel, and in our cognitive bias and habits, things we tell ourselves about our story. The important thing is not to become a victim of our given circumstances, which is hard not to do, especially for me, but I’m working on accepting where ever it is I find myself, and knowing that starting from there, I get to keep walking. Acceptance also keeps us out of the notion of perfection seeking and lack there of. Even just being aware of split second moments in life that feel just right while we set up bigger picture navigation helps to add optimism to our story.

Can I create all that I want; the big full career, the perfect relationships for support and love, and the amazing picture of health, and all immediately? No. But I could see my friends, try new things, map out some goals, and enjoy eating things I don’t have to cook.

Gratitude has been coming up a lot lately in my periodical and social media journeys.  It was also a surprisingly well-covered topic in my studies of Positive Psychology.    I find it to be a disgustingly light word that brings to mind something you would only hear about at the yoga studio.   But in fact, it is a booming subject for scientific study among the field of psychology and well-being.

Why is that so? ( I ask while I eat my Vegan Donut. Not to digress, but L.A. is really getting good at the Vegan Donut! Excuse my latest obsession as it creeps into all my subject matters lately. But they really hook you by making you feel like you are being bad, but not that bad.    One could say that I am grateful for this very discovery.)

Gratitude is taking the study and intervention health fields by storm because it is showing great strides in post traumatic growth, changing our capacities for resilience and changing our relationships. Gratitude is also one of the tools that can help permanently elevate our hedonic baseline of happiness;  The set point that we inherit mostly through genetics, childhood environments and a few other assorted things along the way. Gratitude can be instrumental in helping with the elements of us that come pre-packaged for later in life.

Some of us don’t come by feelings of Gratitude naturally.  Gratitude is a practice.  It is a conscious effort to cultivate its presents.  It is part of learning flexibility in response, thinking and narrative.

How do we practice?  There are some really easy and cool ways.  My favorite is to write a grateful letter or email to someone once a week.  Studies show that if you are actually in the same room as that person and tell them face-to-face why you are Grateful for them, or read the letter to them, you boost the levels of dopamine and start changing your neuroplasticity in the brain much faster.   

Another really great way is to keep a Gratitude Journal that you write in once a week.   (Studies have shown that once a week Gratitude Journaling has the same positive outcome as journaling every day).     Even though once a week is fine for shifting the brain, I sometimes like to do a daily check-in before bed. I ask myself, “What went RIGHT today?”   I find this to be a great way to start to activate the Gratitude juices.  Then jotting those answers down, you can find your way to things you are feeling Grateful for.   

I had to do a Gratitude practice as an assignment during my studies, and I found that the negative and anxiety based chatter at bedtime was lessoning.  I could feel the shift in my brain.

Some days I do feel like being miserable and having self pity, and those feelings are real and okay and can be the seed to realizing changes need to be made – but I make sure to try to limit them to a short train ride if possible, and then I go back to re-framing and picking out why the glass is half full.   

The practice of being Grateful is in no way a practice for denial.  We always need to understand and see clearly our problems that need intervention and solving.  We want to aim for seeing our lives and our choices in real time while we do things that help to alter our brains for the better. 

It is an exciting time to discover that something we can do that takes a moderate level of effort can change our brain chemistry so profoundly.

A couple weekends ago I drove from Los Angeles, California to Monterey, California.   With a couple of much needed stops, it came to about a 7 hour drive.  I wanted to see my 21-year-old son participate in the Monterey Jazz Next Generation Festival.  He had been away on a tour that ended in Monterey, so I was particularly happy and excited about this trip.   

Monterey is known for being one of the most beautiful areas of California with its Cyprus trees sprawling with personality, its trails and paths to the aquarium, the bay near the wharf, and the fun little shops and restaurants along the quaint main street.        

Every year at this time this small town swells with kids in suits and ties from middle-school age to college seniors from all over the globe.  Some parents like myself hoping to meet up with their kids whom have traveled with their schools to be at this prestigious event, line the streets as they meander through the candy shops and crepe houses surrounding the Convention Center where the festival is held.

In the midst of all this beautiful chaos I found myself feeling quite sad.   After identifying this surprising feeling I decided to pay attention to what was underneath this sadness.  Sadness usually comes from a lack or loss, so why in the middle of the salt-water taffy and Cyprus tree capital of California was I so down?  I was there to see my son in the midst of his own thriving, achieving, conquering and enjoying!  

I decided to go into observation mode and take in and assess all that was happening around me, to really connect to the experience others were having and what that was creating in my immediate environment.     I suddenly realized that what others were experiencing was intense and profound bonding over an artistic expression.  I was in lack over the sideline status and in loss over my son’s independence and scarcity.    Acknowledging and allowing all my feelings without judgment was the first step to finding my way to understanding myself, my current life transitions and my own desires for creative bonding, partnership, collaboration and adventure.

Being a part of this powerful energy in a positive way with an eye on experiencing and analyzing its remarkable phenomenon was a decision I made after realizing that acceptance of my own current circumstances was in order.

Instead of being drawn to solitary walks on the beach for reflection and quiet, I was drawn to roaming the convention center and attached hotel to soak in and observe the faces and experiences the kids and young adults were having as they ran through hallways with instruments on their backs, or radically embracing each other as they bumped into others they had not seen since Stanford’s Summer Jazz Program, or Idyllwild’s Summer Art Camp. 

The smiles were endless, the laughing was profound, and the joy was immense. This was after all a competition and yet there was no sign of this anywhere.  People were technically winning, while so many others were losing and all I could observe and feel from others was pure happiness, bonding, elevation of self and intrinsic magnificence.  These young participants did not see this experience in terms of winning or losing; they were clearly there to meet old and new friends, to support one another’s endeavors and talents and to play music! 

My sadness turned into such gratitude and appreciation that I was there witnessing one of the most positive experiences these 1500 kids would be having in their lifetime.     The sheer formula of putting people together with a shared passion and strength in the form of music, along with positive mentors and teachers, the support of parents and the time spent dedicated to their interest, created a perfect storm of well being. Being engaged in a specific community, doing something we love, but that also challenges us, having the right mentors, and feeling supported with appropriate feedback, is a good formula for thriving.    

The joy and love I allowed myself to feel in the middle of this gathering filled my own heart. I strolled around enjoying the chatter and the music, I bought buttons as mementos that hung from my purse, and I periodically grinned at my favorite button that said, “It’s O.K. I’m with the band”.